Author: Sonya Nikadie
Recently, just a few weeks after I miscarried for the sixth time, my friend proudly announced she was pregnant - after trying for a mere three months. She knew about my terrible fertility history and the devastation I felt because of it. Taking this into consideration, I felt sure she would be smart enough not to play up her happy pregnancy news too much.
But no! Shortly after said announcement, she sent an email saying “Hey, I’m due for my first scan! I’ll email you the ultrasound pictures after my appointment tomorrow!” I was dumbfounded. How did this friend of mine suddenly develop such utter insensitivity? After losing my baby the previous month, what would make her think I would derive any pleasure from looking at her ultrasound pictures? It would simply be a harsh reminder of what I couldn’t achieve myself.
When I had announced I was pregnant – at just four weeks – to my friends after my third miscarriage, I could almost hear them questioning why on earth I would tell anyone before the second trimester had started. Surely I would have the sense by now not to blab about it too early in case it didn’t work out?
Well, you know what? Miscarriage does something to a person. After the first one, I never knew if my pregnancy would stick, so I wanted to celebrate each successive pregnancy as soon as I saw the positive sign on the home pregnancy test. I didn’t know if it was going to last, so I was certainly going to celebrate it while I had the chance. It really felt as though my friends just didn’t want to have to deal with me grieving if I were to have yet another failure.
Many women who either haven’t been able to get pregnant or who have had continued losses will start absolutely loathing pregnant women around them. Not only because they have what we can’t have, either. We look upon those happy women with a sense of how unfair it is that not only have they managed to get pregnant and stay that way. But we also envy the way that it doesn’t even occur to them to be worried in case the pregnancy does fail. That innocence, that naivety, is something that is lost with infertility.
Miscarriage is rough. I’m not surprised people don’t know what to say when it happens to those around them. Having been the recipient of countless expressions of sympathy throughout my miscarriages, I now know very well what not to say to someone.
Some gems I had the personal misfortune of hearing:
1. See, that's why you shouldn't tell anyone before the end of the first trimester!
2. Maybe it’s just not your time yet.
3. Well, I guess it was in God's plan.
4. Don't worry, you can always try again.
5. There was probably something wrong with it, so it's all for the best.
(Sigh.) Just reliving these words of wisdom from supposedly well-meaning friends makes my blood boil. Remember, if a friend of yours does miscarry, little platitudes like the ones above will not help. You don’t actually need to say anything… simply be there for her, without trying to fill the silence with something that will make her feel worse.
© Copyright, peoplemenders, 2009. All Rights Reserved.
About the Author
Sonya Nikadie is the author of several books and works as a freelance writer and editor on topics including medicine, psychology, cookery, travel, the environment and nature.
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Comments
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All blog comments are strictly opinions of the writers and do not reflect the views of peoplemenders.com.
grantmedic
Good article - it reminds us all how insensitive we can be if we don't think carefully about what we say.
Posted by grantmedic |
May 31-09 3:27 PM
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